Star Trek: The Nerdification of Barrin

by **Will Stanton** » Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:51 am

WISE FROM YOUR GWAVE!

ENT 1x01: Broken Bow, or AUFBRUCH INS UNBEKANNTE

Good idea! Naming your main villain after the Taliban in December of 2000.

Bad idea! Having that episode debut on September 26th...2001.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:54 am

DEPARTURE INTO THE UNKNOWN

Declaring somebody the main character is not enough to make us like them or side with them, Enterprise writers. Why exactly are they sending Archer on this mission?

by **Will Stanton** » Mon Mar 09, 2015 1:35 am

If there was only some kind of...directive that could tell us how to rate these episodes.

ENT 1x13: Dear Doctor, or LIEBER DOKTOR

EVOLUTION!!!

by **Nailah Weaver** » Mon Mar 09, 2015 1:48 am

Instead of using this as a chance to have handing out technology and stuff backfire and spark the idea for the Prime Directive Archer instead just comes up with it over night after changing his mind for no reason. -_-

by **Will Stanton** » Mon Apr 13, 2015 1:34 am

CRAAAAWLING through Enterprise.

ENT 2x04: Dead Stop, or TODESSTATION

ASHLIE, stop using people's brains for your computer.

by **ASHLIE** » Mon Apr 13, 2015 1:41 am

STATION OF DEATH

The German title is clearly discriminating against computers! No one actually died until Archer started blowing shit up! The computer probably just tried to sustain and repair itself with new parts.

by **Will Stanton** » Tue Apr 14, 2015 12:46 am

In this episode, Enterprise gets topical.

ENT 2x22: Cogenitor, or COGENTIOR

Trip: Well Intentioned, But Dumb.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Tue Apr 14, 2015 12:52 am

This episode feels like too much to handle for Enterprise. Not the ship, the show. If I had to sum up my problems with this episode it's that in the end the Cogenitor ends up as a plot device. No one seems to care about the tragic circumstances that cause it to kill itself, instead everyone only seems torn up about the fact that it happened, which leaves any tragedy bereft of any actual meaning. Also, Archer, this is totally something you would have done and giving Trip shit for it is ridonk.

by **Will Stanton** » Tue Apr 14, 2015 1:45 am

Hey, remember that thing from pre-existing stuff?

ENT 4x04: Borderland, or BORDERLAND

Brent Spiner AS Brent Spiner IN "Boy, you Enterprise people are dumb". I don't think he was acting.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Tue Apr 14, 2015 1:48 am

Pictured: Something completely unrelated to the plot, but sporting cleavage, side- AND under-boob, so naturally it was irresistible to the people running a Star Trek Wiki. >_>

Oh and some dumb shit about genetically enhanced super-soldiers because Star Trek apparently feels the need to go back to that as much as humanly possible.

by **Will Stanton** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 1:44 am

WILL ARCHER BE ABLE TO CLIMB A LADDER IN TIME? WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!

ENT 4x05: Cold Station 12, or COLD STATION 12

WHY do the scientists have human-sized rooms where they can inflict horrible diseases on people?

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 1:52 am

The end of that episode was like a bad PnP RPG session during which the GM desperately tries to save their super-awesome villain character.

<T'pol's Player> "I fire the photonic torpedoes at the shuttle."

<GM> "The torpedo misses and hits the armor plating of the Bird of Prey, dealing little damage."

<T'pol's Player> "Don't I get to roll?"

<GM> "No. The shuttle zips into the open hangar of the Bird of Prey and immediately jumps to warp before you have a chance to do anything!"

<T'pol's Player>

Red Shirt Count: 442
Actual Death Count: 43
Ripped Shirt/Bare Chest Count: All of them
Cameo Count: 43 (Brent Spiner Brent Spinering it up)
Shut Up Wesley Count: 26

Bonus Voyager Tracker
Shuttles: -10
Torpedoes: -61
People: 124
Janeway'd: 7

by **Will Stanton** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 2:40 am

Oh, Enterprise-chan. You don't need to reference everything else, we like you on your own merits.

ENT 4x06: The Augments or DIE AUGMENTS

MAYBE THEY'LL COMPLETE ANDROIDS IN A GENERATION, OR MAYBE THE NEXT ONE, AMIRITE?

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 2:47 am

Synthetic humans, like that guy from that show who's played by the same guy and who is related to this guy and who made a robot who is also played by this guy and fffffuck yoouuuuuuu Enterprise!

Bonus Enterprise Reference Counter: Eat a Dick, Braga

by **Will Stanton** » Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:46 am

*INSERT TECHNOBABBLE HERE*

VOY 1x03: Parallax, or DIE PARALLAXE

Wait, you mean that blurry image that looked like Voyager was ~ACTUALLY VOYAGER~?

by **Nailah Weaver** » Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:48 am

No Janeway, YOU are the Singularity. And then Janeway was a black hole.

Also, BLACK HOLES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

by **Will Stanton** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:57 am

THERE'S

COFFEE

IN

THAT

NEBULA

Voyager 1x06: The Cloud, or DER MYSTERIÖSE NEBEL

Also featured in this episode: Cultural Appropriation! We are far from the Bones of the original series...

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 3:04 am

There's so much wrong with this episode, if I started mocking it all I would still be here in the morning.

Dismissed, Neelix. That's Starfleet jargon for

Red Shirt Count: 442
Actual Death Count: 43
Ripped Shirt/Bare Chest Count: All of them
Cameo Count: 43
Shut Up Wesley Count: 26

Bonus Voyager Tracker
Shuttles: -10
Torpedoes: -62 (This isn't even remotely funny anymore)
People: 124
Janeway'd: 7

by **Will Stanton** » Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:52 am

This episode is not about Hiroshima, they say. It's about a DIFFERENT weapon of mass destruction used on a civilian population that forced an unconditional surrender and had long-lasting radiation effects on the survivors.

VOY 1x15: Jetrel, or DR. JETELS EXPERIMENT

Jetrel Robert Oppenheimer.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:55 am

Well, we showed that the death/cloud is actually made of thousands of disintegrated people, but we tried re-materializing them once and it didn't immediately work. Voyager out!

PS: This was hella dumb.

by **Will Stanton** » Sun May 03, 2015 1:45 am

Yes, if there is one person in the galaxy who wouldn't want to travel on a spaceship, it's AMELIA EARHART

VOY 2x01: The 37's, or DIE 37ER

Nice cities, huh?

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun May 03, 2015 1:48 am

Is anybody going to want to stay in these awesome cities that are so great and make everyone feel like home? I don't care, maybe I would if I'd actually SEEN those fucking cities. Also, Chipotle, you're not even FROM Earth, why are you nostalgic about Arizona!?

by **Will Stanton** » Sun May 03, 2015 2:35 am

Man, there are a lot of Chipotle episodes down here in the dregs!

VOY 2x02: Initiations, or DER NAMENLOSE

The only reason this isn't in the last tier is Aron Eisenberg being cast as the kid.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun May 03, 2015 2:46 am

Will Stanton wrote:

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have a Klingon Copy for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
If you want to be bored just watch Chakotee

Red Shirt Count: 442
Actual Death Count: 43
Ripped Shirt/Bare Chest Count: All of them
Cameo Count: 43
Shut Up Wesley Count: 26

Bonus Voyager Tracker
Shuttles: -11 (Yet another non-existent shuttle explodes)
Torpedoes: -62
People: 124
Janeway'd: 7

by **Will Stanton** » Tue May 05, 2015 12:34 am

This episode looked expensive and dumb.

VOY 2x06: Twisted, or DIE RAUMVERZERRUNG

Neelix, wandering off for no explained reason other than "the script said so".

by **Nailah Weaver** » Tue May 05, 2015 12:38 am

THE SPATIAL DISTORTION

This seemed like the basic structure of a decent idea that was then filled with ~~garbage~~ ~~Neelix~~ garbage.

by **Will Stanton** » Tue May 05, 2015 1:25 am

This episode SHOULD be called Jane Eyre and Prejudice, but it is not.

VOY 2x08: Persistance of Vision, or RÄTSELHAFTE VISIONEN

Voyager! Where something happens, and do-do-do-do.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Tue May 05, 2015 1:28 am

How 'bout a crazy Janeway? Don't you fear, we got techno-babble for years!

Seriously though, they used the same "heat up the warp core to emit a pulse thingamajig" that they used in Twisted. Lazy writing all over the place.

by **Will Stanton** » Sun May 10, 2015 3:09 am

There's a girl that's been on my mind, all the time, Su-su-spiria. Woah-oh

VOY 2x10: Cold Fire, or SUSPIRIA

In this episode, I try to ignore the similarities between Mira and Kes.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Sun May 10, 2015 3:14 am

Apparently Kes' tea was close to zero Kelvin, judging by the almost complete lack of Brownian motion. And, of course, when moving molecules around turns evil they become green, the power of evil Fel Corruption (Trademark Blizzard Inc.) That's just ~~Science~~ Magic.

by **Will Stanton** » Mon May 11, 2015 1:11 am

Star Trek, taking a bold stance against science and facts as a way of knowing things.

VOY 3x07: Sacred Ground, or DAS RITUAL

I DO like that they were just fucking with Janeway, though.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Mon May 11, 2015 1:16 am

They were just messing with her. Except they were not because apparently the ritual actually did have a measurable effect. So... they were double-fucking with Janeway? This episode was a trainwreck of culty kool aid drinking and Janeway headbutting her way to victory somehow.

by **Will Stanton** » Mon May 11, 2015 2:04 am

Neelix, I hate to break it to you, but you weren't useful BEFORE they got out of Neelixspace.

VOY 3x13: Fair Trade, or DAS WAGNIS

Punishment for not liking the episode? 50 YEARS OF CRYOSLEEP

by **Nailah Weaver** » Mon May 11, 2015 2:06 am

*cryosleeping*

by **Will Stanton** » Tue May 12, 2015 1:22 am

Tom's Hawaiian shirt is life.

VOY 3x14: Alter Ego, or DAS ANDERE EGO

I bet Marayna updated her tumblr page so many times.

by **ASHLIE** » Tue May 12, 2015 1:27 am

I expected her to actually be the nebula, with the plasma discharges being the equivalent to neurons firing. However, that would have been much too interesting for a show like Voyager, so instead lizard-recluse on a station who gets lonely. Whoopie.

by **Will Stanton** » Wed May 13, 2015 11:54 pm

You don't understand! I'm gonna be a KLINGON, father!

VOY 3x22: Real Life or DAS WIRKLICHE LEBEN

Man, they just turned the melodrama up to TWELVE here.

by **Nailah Weaver** » Wed May 13, 2015 11:57 pm

And then the Doctor spend the remaining time on Voyager playing out his son's rebellion against human society until he dies from too many pain sticks while his wife grows increasingly resentful of him over his inability to save their daughter. That's life! You got one that sucks so no re-rolling your fucked up Sims family! That'd be cheating!

by **Will Stanton** » Thu May 14, 2015 12:46 am

In this episode, Neelix contemplates suicide for one entire episode, and then goes back to normal.

VOY 4x12: Mortal Coil, or LEBEN NACH DEM TOD

I mean, when DS9 had O'Brien do it, it at least mentioned him being in counseling occasionally afterwords

by **Nailah Weaver** » Thu May 14, 2015 12:49 am

Neelix gets hit by a beam of energy and dies.

Somewhere in that nebula a Space Warlock draws a card.

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